A recent study in Pediatrics Journal revealed that emotional and psychological scars of bullying can last long after the tormenting stops. I didn't need a study to tell me that though. As a child, I experienced bullying firsthand and still struggle with self-confidence issues associated with it. Let me explain.
I've always been what some would term a school nerd--this is a fact that I've learned to embrace (after all, I'm what my mom calls a career student). Early on, I'll have to admit that I was somewhat of a goodie-goodie, too, though somewhere along the way I've lost that label. Combine these two personality traits and the tendency to be unassertive (i.e. not stick up for oneself), and I was the perfect candidate for bullies lurking around the halls of my Christian school (I know the irony here, but I'll get to that later). Some of my earliest school memories are of a snobby, little girl (think Nellie Olsen on Little House on the Prairie) who would step on my fingers at recess and try to take my lunch candy and pocket change.
Though it doesn't sound particularly traumatic, it was. I struggled to learn how to stick up for myself, but the pattern continued into middle school. Though I didn't experience constant bullying, I did experience incidents of bullying. I would gain some confidence then it would be squashed by these mean little devils that seemed to have radar for kids, like me, that lacked assertiveness.
Then came high school. The small, private Christian school lacked a diverse groups of students (what some people might call a variety of cliques), and as a smart, average athlete that didn't drink or smoke, I struggled to fit in with the cooler kids. For awhile I would fit in, and then they would inexplicably turn on me. I had friends but they didn't have the confidence to stand up for me and risk the teasing (I can't say I blame them).
Don't worry my story has a happy ending.
After a particularly bad case of bullying in eleventh grade (that I don't care to expound upon), my parents agreed to let me attend public school.
I found a more accepting group of kids at my new school and slowly my confidence re-emerged. Somewhere along the way, I gained an assertive attitude (my husband claims that I'm too assertive now). As I said, my battle scars still linger. At times, I've struggled with confidence issues, some more than others. I tell this story not to gain your pity, but to put a face with the study.
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7 comments:
I was actually bullied a bit as a child, too. It was more in the vein of this one girl doesn't like you, so I can't either than actually getting physically bullied. But it hurt, nonetheless. It's interesting and somewhat heartbreaking to see how these scars carry forward.
I don't know anyone who wasn't bullied as a child or even as an adult. And bullys learn it from somewhere too. It's one of those vicious cycle things. I heard a quote recenlty: Hurt people, hurt other people.
I also wonder what effect this has on boys. My son has already had to deal with some rough kids on the bus. When I spoke to the bus driver he said, "Oh, they're just being boys." As if maleness was an excuse for violence.
I've had some similar experiences as well . . and I can also relate to the irony of the Christian school environment . . go figure.
I think pretty much everyone struggles with confidence issues somehow or other, but what people don't realize is how easily a lack of confidence or self-worth can put you in a downward spiral. Being treated poorly gives you the impression that you're not worth anything and then you take those lies and it changes how you think and the decisions you make. It's scary really. I wish people would realize more how much these types of things can affect lives, especially young ones.
It is for bullying and other reasons that some choose to homeschool. Windy and I had an excellent experience doing that with a number of our children.
This is an especially good option if the family is in a good financial situation and the mom (or dad) is open to learning to guide their child's learning.
This post is not intended to stir the class in support of public school, socialization concerns, or anything else. Just sharing my positive experience and that of hundreds of thousands of other families.
Of course, with 7 children, I have my own bullies to deal with. Oh, well.
To me it is surprising how vividly we can remember all of the times that someone made hurtful comments toward us. However, as Chris said, this is a fact of life no matter how old you are. So having these experiences early on can toughen a kid up and hopefully that self-confidence will be obtained somewhere along the way. The ability to do this however depends on the personality of the child and what the parent has taught them about self worth and how to deal with these sorts of things. I am of the mindset that with the right attitude you can prevent people from pushing you around too much.
I had an experience on both sides of the fence. I know, I wasn't the physical bully, but I was certainly a verbal bully in school. I can honestly say that neither side feels any better.
Being the bully means that later on in life, you deal with the guilt of having caused emotional pain to other people -- and you've also burned a lot of bridges. My bullying came home with me and even caused some issues with family members and friends. I've always seen the study on the bullied, I'd love to see the psycho-analysis of the bully.
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